Finding her again.

For lack of a better way to say it, I have felt really weird since coming home from the beach.

 

I'm not sure what's caused it. It could be a number of things... 

We had a traumatic experience two days before we left for the beach. I won't go into detail, just trust me: it was horrific. Although everything turned out okay and we're able to move forward, it's still been weighing heavy on my mind. 

In a week and two days I will have a classroom full of sixth graders, and I'm nowhere near as prepared as I thought I'd be at this point. I've not been able to make many lesson plans... Okay, I've not made the first lesson plan. I feel so behind, but then my other teacher friends tell me they've not planned anything either, and it helps... a little. I've made binders and organized some documents I know I want to use in my class, but I've hardly glanced at an anchor standard. 

I took two graduate school courses online this summer, and I've not given them one hundred percent like I always have. I'm not really worried about my grades. In fact, I'll probably still manage to pull out an A in both courses, but just the fact that I've procrastinated all summer makes me feel lazy and careless. 

I've not felt this way in months, but I've found myself a little self-conscious at the gym. Afterwards, I want to share my workouts to social media, then don't because I worry about someone thinking I'm being arrogant and/or annoying. It's been a while since I've felt that way, and I don't know where it's coming from. 

My cousin posted a picture of me the other day that I didn't like. I went wedding gown shopping with her as her best friend and matron of honor. I'd been anticipating the day all summer. When I saw the picture, I completely shut down. I felt sick to my stomach and didn't say  much for the next hour or two. Is it normal for a photo to make you feel that way? I tried to shake it off but couldn't. Of all the pictures taken, she posts that one, and she can because it's her Instagram and it was her favorite picture of all of us outside the store as we were leaving. It was pouring down rain outside, on top of being hot and humid, and my hair was a mess from two and a half hours of gown shopping. We'd taken several inside that were significantly better.

I'm 2nd from left.

2nd from right.

 

 The bottom picture is obviously my pick and the one I chose to post to my Instagram. The top is the one my cousin posted. Again, I ask is it normal that I get this upset over a photo? I felt like it was the most unflattering photo of me... I've lost fifteen pounds this summer, but I felt like this picture made me look as if I'd gained fifteen. Am I being unreasonable? Probably.

 

I was talking about it with my husband later, about everything that's bothering me. But when I showed him the picture, he laughed. He knew as well as I did that I was being silly. "I mean, it's not the best picture of you," he told me, "but it's not bad. Don't let a picture get to you."

 

I can't be the only girl out there with a husband who can talk some sense into her. But then I woke up Sunday morning and saw that I'd gained a few pounds, I felt even worse. I worked out and felt better, but by Sunday evening there I was in my funky mood again.

 

I love blogging because when I write things down (or type them out), they become so much more clear to me. And you know what I'm noticing now? The bulk of what's causing my weird mood comes from my body and the way I feel about myself. Sure, I'm stressing about teaching and graduate school just a little, but I can't get over this feeling of guilt when it comes to my body. I can't quite get over how a measly little four pounds (and I've lost almost all of it as of yesterday morning) can affect me so negatively. A big part of the journey is learning to love yourself no matter the circumstance... no matter the weight lost or gained... no matter the bad hair days or the days when your jeans feel a little tighter... no matter the mornings when your makeup refuses to blend just right or when you can't even get your makeup on because you're running late... no matter what.

 

I'm still learning about these things, and I'm still working on finding me and loving me. I want it to be evident to my readers and the people I love that I'm trying so hard, fighting my body each and every day, but I refuse to pretend like it's easy or that it comes without its struggles. Each day brings a new challenge, and I'm still learning how to fight all of them in the best, healthiest way.

 

With that being said, I've been working on this post since this morning. It's almost four now, and I'm feeling better. I got out and went for a jog with Vaught earlier, then we went to Target. I got a skinny iced coffee and browsed around for a little while, picking up a few things for my classroom in the dollar section. I think once I get everything settled in at school and finish up my graduate courses, I'll feel better. I'm trying to enjoy this last week at home with Vaught as best as I can; next week starts a whole new chapter!

 

Tomorrow, a former student is helping me move into my classroom, and I'm so excited! Putting a classroom together is so much fun and always gets me pumped up for the new year. Maybe that's just what I need...