I first went to my best friend/roommate Lindsay in early December about how I was feeling towards the trajectory of my life and what I wanted to get on top of and accomplish in 2019, as it was ever drawing nearer.
I was still in a relationship, but I remember coming to terms with an intimidating thought that was two parts scary and one part heartbreaking. It clicked like the flip of a switch, and I said to her, "I don't think this is what I want. I want to be alone for a little while."
We talked for hours about the year 2018 and all of the incredible changes I underwent. Overall, it was a wonderful year; it came with heartbreak but also with victories and breakthroughs. I realized that while I'd become much more acquainted with myself, I had to face the trembling realization that I didn't truly know myself. Not yet. I spent my summer going on alllllll the dates, anxious to find that next great guy, the one who could "fix it," who could heal me from all the hurt I'd just experienced.I was divorced and in a new relationship two months later. I wanted to take things slow, but at the same time, I couldn't be happy just being alone. I refused to believe it was even possible.
I met someone amazing, and I initially thought, "OMG! This is it! It ends here! Happily-ever-afters do exist!" Sunshine, roses, butterflies, the whole bag... But I slowly came to understand that it just cannot and will not ever be that simple. And I accepted that it was okay for me to bow out gracefully and go back to square one.
Only this time, square one is much more familiar and a hell of a lot more welcoming. I'm excited to be single again. I'm truly enjoying it. I want one full year of singleness (is that a word?) before I enter a new official relationship (I did two months over the summer--10 more to go, LOL).
It was during one of these talks with Lindsay when she said to me, 100% serious with a straight face, "I understand, Kate. Next year, you need to focus on more important things like me, your son, your job, and your dog. You need to figure out...." And I caught nothing else of her spill because I was too busy doubled over laughing at her perfect choice of words for the things she was advising me to give more attention to.
And now, it's a running joke between us. She even adds, "Yes, in that exact order!" And while it is a fun joke now, there's so much truth to it; as opposed to worrying about the next hot date, the next guy to come along and send me texts and snaps that make me smile, I'm focused on the things that I know are important, the things that really do matter.
I love being Vaught's mother. I love being a mother more than anything else. I love how motherhood has shaped me into someone I can be proud of. And when I look at him and he smiles at me, my heart could literally explode. It's the best feeling!
I love living with my best friend; it's constant sound advice, company when I don't need to be alone, and an ear that's always willing to listen. It's also wine and bellyaches from laughing so much. I'm so thankful I opened my home to Lindsay.
My job brings me so much joy, guys. It's hard to explain how different it is now that it ever was before. Perhaps it's because I returned to the classroom with a need in my heart--a need to be around others, to help young people. I think that the change in my circumstances has so much to do with why I finally love to teach. My kids need me, but sometimes I wonder if they've ever realized that I need them just as much in return...
And of course I can't say enough about my dog Lola! I'm glad Lindsay threw her in there. She's been right there beside me every step of the way, and I'm so glad to have a pup like her for nighttime snuggles and the occasional lonely hour. Dogs truly are a girl's best friend!
