Finding her again.

For lack of a better way to say it, I have felt really weird since coming home from the beach.

 

I'm not sure what's caused it. It could be a number of things... 

We had a traumatic experience two days before we left for the beach. I won't go into detail, just trust me: it was horrific. Although everything turned out okay and we're able to move forward, it's still been weighing heavy on my mind. 

In a week and two days I will have a classroom full of sixth graders, and I'm nowhere near as prepared as I thought I'd be at this point. I've not been able to make many lesson plans... Okay, I've not made the first lesson plan. I feel so behind, but then my other teacher friends tell me they've not planned anything either, and it helps... a little. I've made binders and organized some documents I know I want to use in my class, but I've hardly glanced at an anchor standard. 

I took two graduate school courses online this summer, and I've not given them one hundred percent like I always have. I'm not really worried about my grades. In fact, I'll probably still manage to pull out an A in both courses, but just the fact that I've procrastinated all summer makes me feel lazy and careless. 

I've not felt this way in months, but I've found myself a little self-conscious at the gym. Afterwards, I want to share my workouts to social media, then don't because I worry about someone thinking I'm being arrogant and/or annoying. It's been a while since I've felt that way, and I don't know where it's coming from. 

My cousin posted a picture of me the other day that I didn't like. I went wedding gown shopping with her as her best friend and matron of honor. I'd been anticipating the day all summer. When I saw the picture, I completely shut down. I felt sick to my stomach and didn't say  much for the next hour or two. Is it normal for a photo to make you feel that way? I tried to shake it off but couldn't. Of all the pictures taken, she posts that one, and she can because it's her Instagram and it was her favorite picture of all of us outside the store as we were leaving. It was pouring down rain outside, on top of being hot and humid, and my hair was a mess from two and a half hours of gown shopping. We'd taken several inside that were significantly better.

I'm 2nd from left.

2nd from right.

 

 The bottom picture is obviously my pick and the one I chose to post to my Instagram. The top is the one my cousin posted. Again, I ask is it normal that I get this upset over a photo? I felt like it was the most unflattering photo of me... I've lost fifteen pounds this summer, but I felt like this picture made me look as if I'd gained fifteen. Am I being unreasonable? Probably.

 

I was talking about it with my husband later, about everything that's bothering me. But when I showed him the picture, he laughed. He knew as well as I did that I was being silly. "I mean, it's not the best picture of you," he told me, "but it's not bad. Don't let a picture get to you."

 

I can't be the only girl out there with a husband who can talk some sense into her. But then I woke up Sunday morning and saw that I'd gained a few pounds, I felt even worse. I worked out and felt better, but by Sunday evening there I was in my funky mood again.

 

I love blogging because when I write things down (or type them out), they become so much more clear to me. And you know what I'm noticing now? The bulk of what's causing my weird mood comes from my body and the way I feel about myself. Sure, I'm stressing about teaching and graduate school just a little, but I can't get over this feeling of guilt when it comes to my body. I can't quite get over how a measly little four pounds (and I've lost almost all of it as of yesterday morning) can affect me so negatively. A big part of the journey is learning to love yourself no matter the circumstance... no matter the weight lost or gained... no matter the bad hair days or the days when your jeans feel a little tighter... no matter the mornings when your makeup refuses to blend just right or when you can't even get your makeup on because you're running late... no matter what.

 

I'm still learning about these things, and I'm still working on finding me and loving me. I want it to be evident to my readers and the people I love that I'm trying so hard, fighting my body each and every day, but I refuse to pretend like it's easy or that it comes without its struggles. Each day brings a new challenge, and I'm still learning how to fight all of them in the best, healthiest way.

 

With that being said, I've been working on this post since this morning. It's almost four now, and I'm feeling better. I got out and went for a jog with Vaught earlier, then we went to Target. I got a skinny iced coffee and browsed around for a little while, picking up a few things for my classroom in the dollar section. I think once I get everything settled in at school and finish up my graduate courses, I'll feel better. I'm trying to enjoy this last week at home with Vaught as best as I can; next week starts a whole new chapter!

 

Tomorrow, a former student is helping me move into my classroom, and I'm so excited! Putting a classroom together is so much fun and always gets me pumped up for the new year. Maybe that's just what I need...

 

Vaught:: 10 Months

For the first time since month one, I'm late posting his monthly update. Normally I do his photoshoot and blog post a day or two in advance so that in posts on his "birthday," but I've totally been slacking lately. Hopefully the blogger in me will come back to the surface soon!

Anyway, our guy is ten months old! This has been one of the most fun months by far!

Weight: 23.5 pounds

Length: 30 inches

 

 

Clothes: Vaught wears size 12 month and a few 18 month outfits right now. I'm loving little knit t-shirts and shorts or pants; putting him in a onesie is a lot of work!

Sleep: He sleeps in his crib in his room for about 10 hours a night. Bedtime is around nine, and he gets up at seven on the dot.

New Childcare: Vaught will be at a new childcare facility starting August 3rd, when I return to school as a teacher. We chose a place just a few miles from our home. His new daycare is actually a school that keeps children from infants through twelve years old for their after school program. We're not sure if Vaught will still be there when he's preschool-aged, but I've heard great things about their pre-K program. He's going to start in the one-year-olds class, and when we visited last week he sat in the floor and made some new friends!

Mobility: Vaught crawls a step or two at a time. He can get up on all four but on his feet instead of his knees. They say you have to crawl before you can walk, but we think he'll walk before he crawls! He pulls up and can stand with very little support. He loves moving around in his car (walker).

Words: A lot of what Vaught says is still baby talk, but I can usually tell when he's trying to sound out a new word. This month he said "dog" and "water."

Food: Say a prayer for us as we start weaning him off the bottle! He probably takes four full bottles each day, but we hope to have him completely off the bottle by his first birthday or shortly after. He eats rice cereal and some baby food, but I'm pretty sure he prefers "people food," like sweet potato, squash, bread, avocado, and whatever else we're eating. He had a little bit of my pesto chicken sandwich at Newk's a few nights ago and loved it!

Likes:
new people
other babies and children
his walker
music
reading with Mommy

Dislikes:
the vacuum cleaner


Pictures

This is the closest Ginger has allowed him to get to her!

Only two more Vaught updates to go! His birthday is September 25th, and we're having his party that weekend. I'm going to do a blog post about the party and where I harvested a lot of my ideas, but for now I'll just tell you that the theme is the NFL Draft, and Vaught is the number ONE pick! I can't wait to put his first birthday party together and celebrate with family and friends!

This Morning and the Detox

I finished my five day detox Friday, and I couldn’t have been happier.

That’s the first thing I want you to know, and the second thing is that there’s no way in hell I’m doing that again. It’s just not worth it. Take your juices and cleanses elsewhere, please. I felt crappy coming home from the beach, but after two days of healthy eating, I was back to my old-but-new healthy self. When I got on the scale Monday morning and saw that I’d actually lost half a pound while at the beach, I basically lost the motivation to do the detox full-out for the entire week, so yeah, there was definitely a little cheating in there.

But I did make some healthy, delicious smoothies this week that I’m excited to share with you! But first...

 

I weighed Friday morning to see the results of my detox: nearly two pounds lost in five days--YEAH! I felt great and felt like I looked great too. I was happy.

 

Today is Sunday. I got up at 6 this morning and weighed. Somehow, I've put on four pounds in two days. I felt even crappier than the day we came home from the beach. I dressed in my gym clothes, laced up my shoes, and told myself I was going to go do cardio at the gym until I hated myself or threw up, whichever came first.

 

 

Nearly two hours later, I've had some time to calm down and rationalize where the sudden gain came from. I had pizza for lunch and dinner Friday. I made homemade chocolate chip cookies Friday night and ate one that night and had one, alone with a blueberry muffin, for breakfast Saturday morning. I ate  McDonald's for lunch yesterday, and Colton's Steakhouse for dinner. Of course I gained four pounds.

 

So I worked out this morning and am over it. I'm enjoying a nonfat cinnamon chai latte at Starbucks now, chatting with the police officers who are here every Saturday and Sunday morning. I will eat well today and this week, and I'll be back on track. At some point, I'll have another day or two of bad eating, and the numbers will creep back up ever so slightly, and I'll be upset, but I'm learning how to handle it. I'm probably going to fluctuate up and down a few pounds for the rest of my life, but I'm also dedicated to being healthy for the rest of my life. It's gonna get tough sometimes, but I can do it.

 

 

 

There would be no point in the journey if it were that easy, right?

 

Back to my detox, I am glad that I did it, if only for the experience, but I won't be doing anything like this again. Eat healthy, guys. Drink water and watch your sugar/sodium consumption. It's not that difficult.

 

Each day, breakfast was a combination of fruit, fiber, and protein, so I sought refuge in chopped strawberries, peaches, and oatmeal. I paired it with a slice of toast or half a bagel with a tablespoon of natural peanut butter or nonfat cream cheese from The Fresh Market.

Smoothie is 1/2 C blueberries, 1 C spinach, 1/2 C unsweetened almond milk, 1 banana

1 banana, 5 sliced strawberries, 1/2 C unsweetened almond milk, handful of spinach leaves

1 banana, 1 tbls natural peanut butter, 1/2 C unsweetened almond milk, handful of spinach leaves

 

Lunch was a smoothie and a salad full of fresh veggies… Most days.

 

I ate a “regular dinner” most nights with healthy portions. I celebrated the end of the detox early Thursday night with five boneless hot wings from BWW.

 

 

Snacks were a piece of fruit or a serving of nuts (usually cashews or almonds).

 

Water consumption was a huge part of my detox. Every morning and night I had a warm cup of water with a few slices of lemon. Every morning, after hot lemon water, I had an ice cold cup of water with lemon and/or lime. Lemon and lime are two of the best ways to detox and alkalize the body! To be honest, you could detox your body simply by cutting out fatty foods and excessive added sugars, minimizing portions, and adding lemon or lime water several times a day. It’s that simple! I always feel better after drinking a cold glass of lemon water.

 

 

And of course, I worked out hard this week. I'm still sore from Squats Wednesday night!

 

There are still so many things I'm figuring out about myself and how my body works. I understand and have accepted that I will probably always fight with my weight a little bit. That's my struggle, and I'm learning to be okay with it. Where I struggle with eating well, others may fight anxiety or an addiction. Among the many challenges we'll face in life, I believe we're all born with something we'll have to work to overcome. This is mine, and I'm slowly but surely defeating her.

 

Vacation: Friday & Saturday

Friday

Friday's breakfast was "on your own," meaning no one was going to cook for us. We didn't mind; it just meant another fun trip to Hazel's!

 

We were at the pool by 9AM, ready to soak up as much sun as we could stand on our last day.

Vaught didn't make it too long, and by ten I had to take him up to the condo to nap. I came back to the pool for another hour then went back to hang out in the condo with Vaught. My dad wanted lunch, so he suggested I drive to Hurricane Grill a few miles down the street. My brother and his wife had been there once already and said their hot wings were phenomenal, so I got Eric's drunk you-know-what out of the lazy river to go with me. Twenty hot wings and a tall glass of ice water were just what he needed.

We returned to the condo, and just as we were getting ready to head back to the pool for some afternoon sun, a storm began rolling in. It seems like it always rains on the last day of vacation! We all sat out on the balcony and watched the storm, which was surprisingly peaceful and kind of fun!

Around 4, Eric and I went to our condo to get ready to go eat at Lambert's Cafe in Foley. Dinner that night was on our own as well, and we just couldn't leave the beach without indulging in a few throwed rolls! Still raining, we picked up a fussy Vaught from mom and dad's and drove to Foley, where we waited just over an hour for a table. Vaught was pretty irritable by the time, so we had to eat quickly and leave. I think he was just ready to get back home!

 

Back at our condo, we went ahead and loaded everything up except for a change of clothes and Vaught's diaper bag. We were on the road by 6:15 the next morning. 

Saturday 

I spent all week dreading Saturday, but once dawn came I was so ready to get on the road. After dropping our keys off we stopped by Starbucks for breakfast then got back on the road.

I drank two bottles of water just between Foley and Citronelle, Alabama, so we ended up stopping four or five times on the way home. Vaught did pretty well on the drive home, only fussing a time or two.
 

We pulled into our driveway right at two o'clock Saturday afternoon, and we were so relieved to be home! We unloaded all the bags, then Eric and Vaught took a nap-- a long one. They slept nearly three hours! This gave me time to start some laundry and put a few things away, but after about an hour of that, I had to lay down for a little while too.

Around seven, we went to Kroger to get some groceries for the five day detox I did this week and were back home and in bed before nine.

Overall, this was definitely the best vacation I've ever had. It honestly wouldn't have happened though without the help of a few family members who are always there for us to support and love us when we need it most. That may be an odd thing to put at the end of this post, but you know who you are :)

Vacation: Wednesday & Thursday

Sorry for not getting this posted yesterday; this week is a busy one!

Wednesday

We got up early and made breakfast at our condo then walked to mom and dad's. Eric and Joe Keith left around eleven for eighteen holes of golf, but I stayed behind with my dad and grandmother while the other women went shopping (you read that right--I didn't go). Once Vaught was down for a nap, my grandmother volunteered to stay in the room with him, so I went down to the lazy river for some sun time with my dad. I always love spending time by the pool with him. He's a farmer, so he works year-round, nonstop. It's nice to spend some quality time with him in such a relaxing place.

 

When Vaught woke up, I brought him down for a little sunshine too.

 

 

Around 2:30, I loaded Vaught up and drove to the Target in Gulf Shores to look around. No matter where I go, I just can't escape Target. I indulged in a tall white chocolate mocha while we were there and browsed the dollar section; I found these cute little shapes/colors books with Mickey and Minnie Mouse on them. I picked up one for Vaught, one for a friend's little girl.

Call me Kaitlyn..?

By the time we returned, Kenny was getting ready to prepare his original Louisiana gumbo for dinner.

We all completely cleaned the pot out; it was delicious! Contrary to belief, authentic Cajun food is actually not very spicy at all, so Vaught had a taste. He loved it!

So not a coincidence that someone had written CAJUNS in the sand that night??

We got ice cream for dessert and went back to our condo. Only two days left!

A scoop of strawberry, a scoop of coffee, with nuts!

Thursday

Vaught slept until nearly eight. Before heading to mom and dad's for breakfast, Eric realized he'd lost his sunglasses, so he and Vaught went to Walmart to find a new pair. I got dressed and ran across the street to the gym at Phoenix West for a workout. Condo/hotel gyms require lots of modifications, but I still got it done!

 

 

By the time I was done with my workout, Eric and Vaught were back from Walmart, so we changed into our swimsuits for more pool time. My uncle got a few good shots of us in the lazy river! Vaught loved it, as you can tell!

Dinner that night was at Bubba's, then we went back to mom and dad's for dessert. We went out on the beach with about an hour of sunlight left, which made for some sweet pictures.

 

 When we walked back inside the condo, I saw my Grandmother standing there in her swimsuit, cute little thing that she is. "Well, are you coming to the pool with me?" she asked. I didn't have my swimsuit and hadn't even thought about swimming, but I told I'd be happy to! She pulled out her other swimsuit that she's worn for the past few years. It was nearly a perfect fit on me; I just folded the straps down to "spruce it up" a bit! We did a few laps in the lazy river before coming back up for brownies and ice cream.

I'll try my best to have Friday & Saturday post tomorrow :)