 |
| image from Glamour.com |
"I've lived a very big life, and I don't feel my age, and I feel like I was born to be a mother... Sometimes people speak about [having kids] like, 'Your life ends--you're never going to be able to do anything again!' And I'm like, 'What are you talking about?' Motherhood is the most beautiful, exciting thing."
This quote comes from 24-year-old actress Hayden Panettiere, from her May 2013 issue of Glamour magazine. I fell in love with it after I read it, for even before I became pregnant, I knew that what this beautiful, talented young woman was saying was very true.
At sixteen years old, I swore off marriage and children. I just knew I would never get married or reproduce, two things that absolutely terrified me to think of, even hypothetically. When Eric and I began dating when I was 18, I started to think that maybe this was a guy I could marry some day. Maybe marriage isn't so bad. Maybe! Then at 21, I knew it was him. I wasn't sure of very much else, but I knew he was the man God sent for me. And although marriage was still a pretty scary thought, my decision to become his wife was one I felt sure of. Being married to him makes me the happiest girl in the world. In a world full of uncertainties, our devotion to one another is the one thing I can always hang my hat on. And that makes me happy.
Then comes the thought of children. I still didn't want any, but I married a guy who did. I told him we would need to wait a few years. Maybe when I was 27 or 28 I would feel more at ease with the idea of motherhood. In the back of my mind, I think a part of me hoped that after it was just us two for so long, Eric would no longer want children. I know--selfish, right? But sometime shortly after our wedding, I happened to pick up Hayden's issue of Glamour (and it was almost an accident--I thought she was Scarlett Johansson at first glance of the cover), and I read and reread her interview a dozen times. My favorite part? The part about motherhood, of course. Here was this absolutely stunning 23-year-old woman who was willing to say, with confidence, that she feels like she was born to be a mother (and rumor has it that she is pregnant now). It was enlightening because that is, after all, a large part of God's purpose for woman. The idea of motherhood suddenly not only seemed possible for me-- it began to sound appealing.
Even still, you can read Baby Pace's story and know that we weren't really planning for him, so I want to talk more about what went through my mind when I realized he was coming. Other young mothers and mothers-to-be should understand that it is perfectly acceptable to feel this way... At 20, 21, 22, as I watched (on Facebook, mainly) girls from high school, even some from my graduating class, become young mothers. I would laugh and think, Bless your little heart; your life is over. After those two positive pregnancy tests, I kind of thought the same thing to myself, I admit. What happened to all of my plans and my aspirations? What's going to happen to my body, and will I ever look the same? Will Eric and I be as happy with a third person in our home as we are now? What about all the stuff I wanted to do first? Can I really do this? Yes, all of those things came to my mind. In all honesty, it took a good week for the news to really resonate with me; I wasn't this giddy, happy pregnant girl at the first sight of a pink plus sign. When I announced our big news, I was almost afraid of what people would think and say. All of my friends know me as the girl who was never having kids, who claimed to strongly dislike them even, and would wear many titles in life, "mother" never being one of them if I had it my way. In their minds, I feel like so many of my friends and family kind of laughed at me after announcing the news (and I do hope it was with good humor). Others may have thought the same thing I used to think of all those girls: Well, your life is over.
In this interview, I think that's the barrier that Hayden is trying to break down. To all the girls and young women who make crude jokes about pregnancy, our lives are not over. If anything, they have just begun. And you. have. no. idea. what. you're. talking. about. Are we scared? Yes. I think any new mother would be crazy to not be at least a little. Are our lives about to change forever? Well, of course. That's motherhood, dear. And I'm hearing that it's a pretty incredible change. But are our lives "over?" Are we officially going to be bumps on the mommy logs who just sit around all day wiping away spit-up and filling bottles? Nah. At least not all the time. Our lives are not over. Not in the least bit.
I never really saw myself in these shoes (swollen feet and all), but now that I am, I couldn't be happier. Every kick reminds me of the miracle that's taking place within me. It's so amazing, I cannot even begin to describe it. The first time you hear that little heartbeat, you've never been more sure of anything in the world except how badly you yearn for this tiny person in the making. Suddenly every decision you make revolves around this little one; you do everything with him in mind, and you shudder at the thought of harming him in any way. Your entire outlook on life changes. To be honest, my plans are not important anymore. I was supposed to at least have my Specialist's degree before Eric and I even considered babies. And it will happen (I'm still trooping through the Master's program), but it's not important anymore. I was supposed to run my first half marathon in New Orleans the first week of February; after finding out I was expecting, I decided not to, for fear that I might suffer a second miscarriage. I couldn't bear the thought of the possibility that I could cause this child any harm by running thirteen miles. I was supposed to do a lot of things in my mind. It's not important to me anymore.
It's not a walk in the park, and I think that's part of the beauty of this journey, and yes, it is beautiful. I still get really anxious and scared sometimes. As a matter of fact, I had a complete meltdown on Memorial Day. It was silly, but in the midst of my family having a good time at my house, I retreated to my bedroom, laid down, and cried for nearly an hour straight, due to something that arose in the conversation we'd been having that had frightened me. Upon realizing something was wrong, my mother found me, and I cried to her that I was terrified at the thought of not being a good mother. I expressed my fears of not being able to provide or give him everything he needs. My mother hugged me and told me I was being silly. It wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear at the time, but I knew she was right because she's never been wrong before about things like that. This is all 100% normal, and if you've had children and say you've never felt this way, you know you're kidding yourself. Yes, it's beautiful and wonderful, but it's also scary. Marriage is a huge step, but motherhood... Motherhood is one giant leap of faith into the unknown.
Then comes the thought of children. I still didn't want any, but I married a guy who did. I told him we would need to wait a few years. Maybe when I was 27 or 28 I would feel more at ease with the idea of motherhood. In the back of my mind, I think a part of me hoped that after it was just us two for so long, Eric would no longer want children. I know--selfish, right? But sometime shortly after our wedding, I happened to pick up Hayden's issue of Glamour (and it was almost an accident--I thought she was Scarlett Johansson at first glance of the cover), and I read and reread her interview a dozen times. My favorite part? The part about motherhood, of course. Here was this absolutely stunning 23-year-old woman who was willing to say, with confidence, that she feels like she was born to be a mother (and rumor has it that she is pregnant now). It was enlightening because that is, after all, a large part of God's purpose for woman. The idea of motherhood suddenly not only seemed possible for me-- it began to sound appealing.
Even still, you can read Baby Pace's story and know that we weren't really planning for him, so I want to talk more about what went through my mind when I realized he was coming. Other young mothers and mothers-to-be should understand that it is perfectly acceptable to feel this way... At 20, 21, 22, as I watched (on Facebook, mainly) girls from high school, even some from my graduating class, become young mothers. I would laugh and think, Bless your little heart; your life is over. After those two positive pregnancy tests, I kind of thought the same thing to myself, I admit. What happened to all of my plans and my aspirations? What's going to happen to my body, and will I ever look the same? Will Eric and I be as happy with a third person in our home as we are now? What about all the stuff I wanted to do first? Can I really do this? Yes, all of those things came to my mind. In all honesty, it took a good week for the news to really resonate with me; I wasn't this giddy, happy pregnant girl at the first sight of a pink plus sign. When I announced our big news, I was almost afraid of what people would think and say. All of my friends know me as the girl who was never having kids, who claimed to strongly dislike them even, and would wear many titles in life, "mother" never being one of them if I had it my way. In their minds, I feel like so many of my friends and family kind of laughed at me after announcing the news (and I do hope it was with good humor). Others may have thought the same thing I used to think of all those girls: Well, your life is over.
In this interview, I think that's the barrier that Hayden is trying to break down. To all the girls and young women who make crude jokes about pregnancy, our lives are not over. If anything, they have just begun. And you. have. no. idea. what. you're. talking. about. Are we scared? Yes. I think any new mother would be crazy to not be at least a little. Are our lives about to change forever? Well, of course. That's motherhood, dear. And I'm hearing that it's a pretty incredible change. But are our lives "over?" Are we officially going to be bumps on the mommy logs who just sit around all day wiping away spit-up and filling bottles? Nah. At least not all the time. Our lives are not over. Not in the least bit.
I never really saw myself in these shoes (swollen feet and all), but now that I am, I couldn't be happier. Every kick reminds me of the miracle that's taking place within me. It's so amazing, I cannot even begin to describe it. The first time you hear that little heartbeat, you've never been more sure of anything in the world except how badly you yearn for this tiny person in the making. Suddenly every decision you make revolves around this little one; you do everything with him in mind, and you shudder at the thought of harming him in any way. Your entire outlook on life changes. To be honest, my plans are not important anymore. I was supposed to at least have my Specialist's degree before Eric and I even considered babies. And it will happen (I'm still trooping through the Master's program), but it's not important anymore. I was supposed to run my first half marathon in New Orleans the first week of February; after finding out I was expecting, I decided not to, for fear that I might suffer a second miscarriage. I couldn't bear the thought of the possibility that I could cause this child any harm by running thirteen miles. I was supposed to do a lot of things in my mind. It's not important to me anymore.
It's not a walk in the park, and I think that's part of the beauty of this journey, and yes, it is beautiful. I still get really anxious and scared sometimes. As a matter of fact, I had a complete meltdown on Memorial Day. It was silly, but in the midst of my family having a good time at my house, I retreated to my bedroom, laid down, and cried for nearly an hour straight, due to something that arose in the conversation we'd been having that had frightened me. Upon realizing something was wrong, my mother found me, and I cried to her that I was terrified at the thought of not being a good mother. I expressed my fears of not being able to provide or give him everything he needs. My mother hugged me and told me I was being silly. It wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear at the time, but I knew she was right because she's never been wrong before about things like that. This is all 100% normal, and if you've had children and say you've never felt this way, you know you're kidding yourself. Yes, it's beautiful and wonderful, but it's also scary. Marriage is a huge step, but motherhood... Motherhood is one giant leap of faith into the unknown.
I can't say that I'm going to do everything perfectly as a new mother or that I'll even know what I'm doing half the time. The first few weeks may be all about survival and doing whatever I've got to do to get a little sleep and keep my sanity. But I do know that I'll be okay. I can't say for sure that I'll ever get that doctorate's degree, though it is still an enormous goal for me. I can't say for sure that I'll end up running a half marathon or that I'll open my coffee shop when I'm older (another dream of mine). But these things aren't so important anymore.
My life is not over, and even if all of the above never happens, I feel as if I now have more to look forward to than I could ever imagine.
Proverbs 31:25 "She is clothed with strength and dignity; she laughs without fear of the future."
No comments:
Post a Comment