It happened in October.

So after getting comfortable enough to share my weight with you all recently, I've been thinking about other personal things I can talk to you about (since you're all seriously like my best friends). If you weren't aware, October is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, where we remember lost little ones, little ones we never met, and the mothers and parents who had to endure the pain of these losses--physically, mentally, and emotionally.

I know that I have mentioned my miscarriage on my blog here and there. However, I've never quite gone into that story because for a long time, it was extremely difficult for me to talk about.

It happened in October, two years ago. I had just turned 23. I suspected shortly after my twenty-third birthday that I might be pregnant; I was hormonal, chubbier, and lacking a monthly visitor. I even made a joke about it to my mother who did not find it funny at all. I'd not been taking my pill because my prescription was out, and I was due for my yearly checkup. I never scheduled it, so I went more than a month with no birth control at all. Smooth move, Kate.

All the while, I never took a test. I just refused to believe that I might actually be pregnant.

We were at cheerleading practice at the high school where I taught on a Thursday afternoon. I remember wearing cute palazzo pants and a black Piko top that day. I was running practice when I was suddenly hit with excruciating cramps. I've never really had cramps with my period... If anything, I would just get a little achey in my lower back and a teensy bit moody. I've never had any of the other issues. However, this was an overtly intense pain. On a scale of 1-10, I'd put it at about an 8, and that's coming from a girl with a high pain tolerance.

I excused myself from practice, running as fast as I could to the faculty bathroom, clutching my stomach at the same time. Luckily, it was after school and most everyone was gone. I was crying by the time I reached the women's bathroom. I shut the door behind me and fell to the floor, clutching my stomach.

I remember feeling so extremely terrified; I thought something was about to burst out of me, crazy as that sounds. I laid there for a good twenty minutes as the pain came in short but excruciating jabs. I had no idea what was going on... I realize now I should have called 911 or had my husband come get me.

Finally, the pain subsided enough so that I could walk. Practice was long over and some of my girls had texted me to see if I was okay. I remember not knowing what to tell them, other than "Yes, I just got sick." I still had no idea.

The pain never returned that evening or the next day, but two days later, I suddenly began bleeding. Really bleeding. Worse than I ever have on a period. Without going into too much detail, just believe me when I say it was horrible.

I mentioned it to a fellow teacher and good friend at school, whose response was, "Do you think you could have miscarried?" Suddenly, I felt my world turning. That afternoon, I called and made an appointment with an OBGYN in Memphis a few days later.

I never took a pregnancy test, but it was confirmed at my appointment that I had indeed been pregnant. The doctor guessed that I hadn't been further than five or six weeks along and confirmed via ultrasound that there was no need for a D&C: my body had shed the baby naturally. That explained the horrific bleeding. He also explained that the cramps I'd gotten several days earlier were actually contractions.

I felt better knowing I wouldn't have to have the D&C procedure and at first I thought I was totally fine. It had never even registered with me that I was really pregnant. There was never a celebration or an Oh my gosh! moment with my husband. There was no too-soon shopping for baby clothes in excitement or picking out paint colors for the nursery.

It didn't take long for the depression to hit me, and it was a darkness and emptiness like no other.

 I was pregnant, and now I'm not. I had a baby inside me, and now it's gone.

Despite not being ready for children at all, I suddenly ached for this little one. I yearned to know him or her. I was angry at God and angry at myself. What did I do wrong? Had I done something to cause me to lose the baby? Was all of this my fault? I felt so alone and scared, and it would take months for me to realize that I should have sought help for how low I felt. I wasn't sleeping at night. I called in to work constantly because I couldn't pull myself out of bed to go.

It wasn't until Christmas break that I finally began to get myself together. I remember how glorious those two weeks were and how badly I'd needed them. Eric and I spent a lot of time in Potts Camp with my family. At some start I started praying about my experience, and I let go of the anger I felt about our lost baby. I knew God would send us a little one at the perfect time.

And He did.

In late January, I discovered I was pregnant again, and yes, we kind of did it on purpose. The doctor I saw in October instructed me to give my body a few weeks to completely heal then call him back to make an appointment to get back on a birth control method. I never made that call, silly me. Honestly, I kept meaning to, I really did! But with what I was dealing with after my miscarriage, I just couldn't do it. I didn't want to see the doctor again.

I was just under eight weeks along when we went to our first appointment with Vaught in February, and I remember spending the rest of the first trimester worrying about miscarrying again. I just knew there was absolutely no way I'd be able to handle it if it happened again. Obviously it didn't, and I led a happy, healthy pregnancy and delivered Vaught on September 25th, 2014.

I'll never forget the month of October in 2013 or the experience of my miscarriage, but I have made peace with it. I know that I am a stronger person and a better mother because of it. It's comforting to know that Vaught has an angel brother or sister in Heaven watching over him. Actually, I sometimes think he or she comes to visit him in his dreams. I know our little angel does in mine.